Traditionally, PC exclusives, like real-time strategy (RTS) games, have found a new home on Android. From ports of classic titles like Total War: Medieval II and Company of Heroes to original games like Rusted Warfare and Iron Marines: Invasion, RTS fans haveplenty of brilliant gamesto choose from. InOctober 2022, Microsoft announced that Age of Empires would join this lineup with a brand new mobile adaptation of the classic RTS. Unfortunately, the revealed product is one of the worst mobile adaptions of a franchise we’ve ever seen, designed to empty your wallet and nothing else. Yes, it’s even worse than that bizarre spin-off,Age of Empires: Castle Siege, from 2017.
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RTS in name only
Real-time strategy games employ paid timers, right?
We loaded up the pre-release version of Age of Empires Mobile from our friends at APKM, and played it to see exactly what you can expect from the final product. But the awful microtransactions, MMO-style abilities, non-existent strategy, broken voice acting, hilariously terrible combat, and cringe-inducing narrative show that it’s an Age of Empires game in name only.
Whereas previous Age of Empires games represent historical periods with varying degrees of accuracy (Age of Empires IV did this best with documentary-style cutscenes between campaign levels), Age of Empires Mobile offers a fictional narrative that throws any attempt at historical authenticity out of the castle window and into the moat.
An opening cinematic of what you might immediately recognize as the barbarians sacking Rome is thrown into confusion when references to the “Great Emperor” (who?), “Holy Sword” (Is this an Arthurian legend now?), and “Imperial City”(where?) are bandied around. This weird sense of historical dislocation is further emphasized when the “Princess Josephine” (no, not the current Princess Josephine of Denmark) escapes from the ruins of the definitely-not-Roman Empire with a band of soldiers dressed in medieval plate armor.
This shot followed a cinematic of a statue of Caesar being toppled
Once you’ve realized that the narrative of Age of Empires Mobile is as fictional as the world of Game of Thrones, you’re given a chance to enjoy some of the most nauseating gameplay I’ve experienced in an RTS.
Rather than commanding a host of individual units like in previous Age of Empires games (or most RTS games, for that matter), this game lumps them into a single blob behind a commander. You’ll traverse linear maps, collecting powerups and abilities from monuments and treasure chests scattered around. These range from dull-as-dishwater “+20% health” boosts to bizarre abilities where your soldiers transform into a trebuchet or equip spears and spin around like a hedgehog strapped to a Beyblade. It’s insultingly simple, and things only get worse when combat enters the picture.
note the discrepancy between the name of the commander and the name in the ability text
Combat, what combat?
Who needs gameplay when you watch auto battles
Combat in Age of Empires Mobile involves two groups standing stock still, flailing their weapons in the air until their opponent’s health bar drops to zero. It’s insultingly terrible. If you’re looking for strategy, look elsewhere. This is a game of bringing more numbers than your opponent and nothing else.
I experienced all this terrible gameplay in the tutorial, but I still held out hope that the core gameplay would let me relive classic Age of Empires battles that I still enjoy to this day. Instead, I discovered the reason behind the awful voice acting and mindless combat. Age of Empires Mobile is nothing but another in a long line of online multiplayer games where you engage in an endless rat race of leveling up your base to have bigger numbers than your neighbor. Sandbox base-building, like in previous Age of Empires games, is nowhere to be found here. Instead, you can enjoy the thrilling gameplay of tapping “Level Up” and waiting hours to see the result. You know, the gameplay pioneered by games with titles like “Clash of Kings” or “Epic Age” or “Game of Nations.”
As expected, Age of Empires Mobile is pure trash
And don’t expect this to change before the official release
Age of Empires Mobile is the worst kind of mobile game. I haven’t even touched on the microtransactions, multiple voice actors for one person, missing sound effects, and appalling graphics, but I don’t need to. This is a shocking adaptation of a well-loved franchise that should be forgotten immediately.
But if you’re a fan of the Age of Empires series and want to see just how bad things have got, you can pre-register below. Alternatively, go outside and watch the grass grow; it’s a better use of your time.
